If you want love, you gon’ have to go through the pain…If you want trust, you gon’ have to give some away.
Sometimes it’s too much, babe. Someone once told me there are highs and lows in life…When does the upswing happen? If I was a person who was having a bad string of things happen but they were normal life things, I would have resilience for them, but I am using all my resilience on you, so everything extra feels 10x worse. It just feels like the universe is stabbing me repeatedly going “WHY. WON’T. YOU. DIE?”
I cleaned our room, yesterday. It was a mess, I hadn’t touched anything in there since you left. This morning, after we got up, I tried to get Hugo to lay down with me again by getting back in bed. It was the first time there wasn’t a big pile of stuff on my side of the bed, and when I flopped down that’s where I landed. And for the first time since you died, I was back on my side, looking across the pillows to your side- empty. That’s what I’ve been so afraid of this whole time, and it really caught me off-guard. It hurt. You weren’t there. I reached my arm across the bed and tried to remember what it felt like when we used to hold onto each other.
It really hit me, yesterday. Like how in the beginning it felt like you were at work and would be coming home and I could catch you up on the day’s events (lol, can you imagine? “Hey, babe, you’ll never guess- you DIED, today!”), or that if I was in the kitchen, I could convince myself that you were in the office on the computer. But I realized, yesterday, that this is the longest I have ever gone without seeing you since we started dating, and two weeks short of the longest we’ve ever gone seeing each other since we met. I think subconsciously I was holding onto the idea that you have just been away on some trip. I mean, you took a trip…but you’re not coming back. That hit me really hard.
A couple days ago I was brushing my teeth and started sobbing. I don’t even know what set me off, but whatever it was couldn’t wait the 60 seconds left on the electric toothbrush before I broke down.
I have a lot of anger, now. I don’t really express it on my own other than in the apartment, alone. If someone gives me a reason, though…babe, it’s like zero to one hundred. I’ve never experienced this before. I’m not angry at your choice to jump as much as I am angry at all the events leading up to you jumping, including your part in them. I am waiting for an apology from a place that doesn’t exist.
Danielle came over today and she helped me repurpose the chocolate milk jug that had been in the fridge since before you died. I couldn’t bring myself to take it out, because of the bit we had with it. But it was disgusting-looking, like a lava lamp. Thinking back on that bit will always make me smile. I love you.
I’m worried Hugo has Masticatory Muscle Myositis. His temporalis is like non-existent. Hopefully, getting him more things to chew on will help.
Danielle showed me the tattoo she got after you died, today. It brought tears to my eyes… You touched so many people’s lives, babe. If only you knew what this was going to look like- you leaving us. I think you would have stayed.
I’m moving out of our apartment, next week…and moving into Kristen’s. Can you believe it? We will have lived in three apartments in this building. Letting go of this apartment is going to be rough. It still looks the same, with all of your stuff in it. The home we shared…I don’t want to leave it behind.