Tonight is a really bad night, babe. Which is ironic, because I just upped my anti-depressant. Takes longer than that, though. I went for a walk with Hugo, and I still feel shitty. So now there is ice cream. And crying. And Real Housewives. And more Hugo. Because there is no you.
There will never be you.
My first day in the office, my supervisor told a colleague not to kill themselves over getting an assignment in a little late. Yesterday, the fellow I was sitting next to at lunch said he might as well just kill himself. I sent out emails. PSAs about how easily that stuff comes up, but how difficult it is for suicide survivors to hear.
Today, my friend chose a spot right across the street from where the jogger found your body for a get-together…did she just forget? Did she forget coming over after you jumped and me talking about your 10 minute walk to the bridge and how you didn’t turn around? Did she forget when I said I was under that bridge, across the street from that restaurant, picturing you free-falling, while you laid behind the police tape, dead? How could she forget? Can she show me how?
I’m starting EDMR, next week, for the trauma. My friend said it really works. Crossing my fingers.
I wish you were here to tell about my days. My job is subjectively and objectively a dream come true. It’s my dream come true. You helped me achieve my dream. The only problem is no one has really been guiding me on getting the onboarding and admin stuff done so every time i have tried to work from home in the last week, I have ended up having to go into the office because I was missing something in the telework application process but I wouldnt have a dogwalker lined up so hugo has to be in his crate for longer than i want. then i feel guilty and like im a bad dog mom. and then i feel overwhelmed. and then i feel sad. and then i feel hopeless. its not a good progression, babe.
My fellow friend who picked the restaurant across from where you landed just called and cleared things up and she apologized. Then we talked about my grieving process and her wanting to be there for me but not knowing how and then she let me talk about you and the grieving for a long time and it was all i needed. im feeling a lot better than when i first started writing this to you. but im still going to eat that ice cream.
i love you, i miss you.