I just caught Hugo chewing on one of the velvet coat hangers, babe. I called him a bad puppy (cuz he’s a bad puppy) and thought of when we used to call him a “good dog but a bad puppy.”
Things are hard over here, love. Every day I feel more alone. I mean, Hugo and I are alone here in this apartment. It’s just so weird that you aren’t here with us. How do you go from seeing someone almost every single day for five and a half years to seeing them no days of the rest of your life? Better yet, how do I go without seeing the person I love most for the rest of my life? The apartment is fine, Hugo is fine, everything’s fine, but none of it helps. You weren’t fine, and I’m not fine.
I keep trying to listen to songs we used to listen to, together, because I want it to make me feel closer to you, but it just makes me sadder.
I know this is my narrative, and I know I’m going to keep going and live for the both of us but it’s so hard, babe. I don’t want to be strong. I don’t feel strong. I feel defeated, and I don’t want to keep fighting.
My first day of work was today, babe. The fellowship…today was mostly logistics, but it did not feel real. I feel like I’m acting; like I’m playing the character of someone who really wanted this dream job and now she has it and she’s doing it. It just feels like I’m having an out-of-body experience, almost. I would be focusing on something relevant and then a thought would flicker like a light in my head just to remind me that you killed yourself, and then I’d have to just continue working on the thing. And you- you got me all the way here; took this whole journey with me, and then you peaced. I just can’t wrap my head around that. And then, like I thought it would, the grief came on really strong when the day was over. Ugh. It just rips my heart apart, sometimes, babe.
I’m just so sad and I miss you so much. I know there’s not point in wishing things could be different but that doesn’t stop me from doing it.
I had to give the office a short bio to email around to everyone and at the end of it I wrote my hobbies and instead of putting “MY PARTNER JUMPED OFF A BRIDGE AND SO I CRY AND RAGE AND QUESTION AND ADVOCATE TO SAVE OTHER SUICIDAL PEOPLE” I just wrote “enjoys participating in mental health advocacy efforts.” And then I chuckled at how fucking watered down that made losing you sound.
Remember earlier this year when Hugo woke us up in the middle of the night and we both laid in bed on our phones for a bit before going back to sleep and I watched this tiktok of Downton Abbey impressions and one of them really got me and I burst into uncontrollable giggles cuz I was tired and you were just like What is wrong with you rn LOL. It was really more in your tone that the funny part comes into play but obviously I will never be able to convey that in text or otherwise.
I keep hoping I will find another cinderella valentine from you from when we first started dating…I found one months and months ago somewhere I can’t remember now but I loved that it literally had been there since we lived in Grafton and made it through two cross-country moves, just waiting to be found. I want more easter eggs, babe. I need you to very blatantly send me some signs, please. IDK what you’re up to wherever or whatever you are but if you could take time out of your ghost/astral projection/ball of energy/angel schedule to drop a line for me, I would really appreciate it.
I miss your smile, and how your voice sounded when you smiled. Grief really is love with nowhere to go. Nowhere as good as you, at least.