Babe, I’m sad, today. I went to a cookout, but anywhere I go I can only be social for so long before I want to be alone, again. I don’t want to meet anyone new, I only want to be around people that knew you, or at least knew me with you. I don’t have the energy to engage with anyone for long. I find it difficult to keep up. I can’t produce the words I want to and I feel as though I am always playing catch-up in replying to whatever is being said. I don’t remember anything I hear, anyway. Part of the “grief dumb-dumbs” Kristen and I refer to. Every conversation I have it’s like I keep seeing you out of the corner of my eye, pulling my focus out of everyone else’s reality and into my reality. And my reality is that you are gone. Parenting Hugo without you is a harsh reminder of that. The walks we used to take, together, how excited we got when we gave him a brand new toy, how proud we were when he learned a new trick.
Our little son…He is never going to know what happened to you. That is one of the first things I thought when I came home the night you died. I don’t think he really understands that you died, but I do think he realizes you are not coming back. Not that he doesn’t still perk up when he hears your voice on video and start wagging his tail, but I think your smell has faded from our bed and from your clothes- he doesn’t react to them as strongly as he once did.
The Boys has a new season out. I can’t bring myself to watch it without you, it would feel like writing over it being one of our shows. Same with the other shows we were watching when you left. The Thing About Pam. Brooklyn 99. How will I ever watch the Umbrella Academy when it comes out?
I want to read your books, too. But it’s much the same. It’s too hard, right now.
Today I googled what to do when your partner kills themselves. I need a guidebook. I leave the house, I spend time with friends, I jog with Hugo. I come home and wonder what else to do. What to do that is supposed to make me feel better about losing you. Feel better about the pain you were in, or what you could have possibly been thinking. I wish I had had a guidebook to you, too.