I miss you so much, babe. I haven’t been sleeping much, lately, but it’s not like it was in the very beginning. I can get to sleep, I just wake up wicked early. And the nespresso needs descaling, so this coffee tastes like water…
I wish you could be here to see Hugo’s progress…I was given the opportunity to send him to doggy training camp after some friends offered to help, which I am so incredibly grateful for, and now I can walk him wherever- like, we went inside Target, yesterday, babe. We sat outside Starbucks with four other dogs sitting around us, and he was FINE. You would be amazed.
After some tense conversations over the last few weeks, I am starting to wonder if the only reason I still have some of our friends is because you let me vent about them when something bothered me, and it helped me get passed it…Now that you’re gone, I realize I need to be more direct to move forward when those situations arise, but I don’t have the energy to do that kind of long, draining (albeit productive) conversation with anyone, right now. So, I am distancing until I do, which also sucks, because that means my support system gets smaller. It does kind of highlight the idea of finding out who your true friends are though- like how many of my friends would just drop off if I stopped putting in an effort to reconcile when needed? Some of the people that came back into my life when you left were people that dropped off, despite my reaching out, and there wasn’t even anything to reconcile. It was just not their priority. Which is fine, that’s life, but I think as time goes by and I stop putting as much effort in, I will find myself with less people than when you were alive. Less is ok, it’s the quality of the relationship we’re after, right, babe? Can I get an “us” level of quality, please? I just keep thinking about Dan when I went into District for the first time after losing you- you find out who your true friends are during this time. I don’t know if that’s fair to some friends, though. You know, you have different levels of friendship, and you may think you are on one level but something like this shows you, rather quickly, when you and a friend were actually on different levels, and maybe dealing with me after you killing yourself just isn’t what some of those friends signed up for. I just didn’t know that until you did this. We can add it to the list of unwelcome realities that is life after Peter left.
I’m going to walk our dog and get a coffee. I love you.