I miss you.
Our 4 year anniversary would have been the weekend before last. I think you forgot (I wish I could run that joke by someone right now to see if it was good lol). I went with Desiree to NH to hike a mountain in honor of all of our wonderful memories hiking. Remember when I asked you what you missed most about Oregon, and you said hiking, and that it was because you liked hiking with me? When I put my hiking boots on, I had to shake out the dirt at the bottom, and as I was doing so, I realized, that dirt was from the last time you and I hiked together, and it was Oregon dirt. It was Indian Sands…dirt. It was Arch Rock dirt. It was Thunder Rock Cove dirt. That was our favorite one, Thunder Rock Cove…I can see the trail in my mind’s eye as I type this. Someday, I want to spread some of your ashes there.
So we tried to get to this mountain to hike in NH. Due to a series of unfortunate events, we never made it to the mountain, but we did go to a beautiful park I hadn’t been to since I was in high school and walked the woods trails. It was nothing like the out-and-back trails of Oregon, but it did sort of feel like when you, me, and Kristen walked the trails of Grafton Land Trust, which was closer than not feeling like anything to do with us.
Hugo came to NH with us and your parents watched him all weekend. He was tired for DAYS babe. It was awesome. I think he will be going to grandma and grandpa’s a lot more when I head up that way (fingers crossed).
Last Sunday, I got hit with this huge wave of grief a little after 10 pm. I’d been so distracted with work that I hadn’t had a big one like that for what felt like a couple weeks. This one first hit me in the kitchen, and it was like a punch in the gut and ripped the hole in my heart wide open. It felt like the night you left. The same feeling from your first text to coming home to our empty apartment- dread…anguish….despair. Ugh it was truly awful, and while i was sitting on the couch sobbing, I suddenly realized what day it was – the 13th – your 7 month anniversary. I realized this like 2 minutes before 10:40 pm. You may recall that 10:40 was when you first texted me your suicide note, and then promptly shut off your phone.
Babe, what the fuck.
Isnt that crazy, tho? That even when we dont consciously remember, subconsciously we do?
I thought up a new name for a death anniversary- its an “antiversary”…I think it’s very appropriate for the sentiment.
Today would have been my dad’s 75th birthday…he died 20 years ago…someday I will be saying that about you killing yourself. I don’t want to think about that though. I hate every second that youre gone, and I hate that the amount of seconds just keeps growing, and it will never stop.
I had a memory of us come back, today, of when we went to the National Portrait Gallery…I hadn’t been able to remember that since you left, but then it came flooding back, today, and it felt like an achievement unlocked. Maybe my brain is starting to let more of “us” in…my grief counselor says when we feel like shit it’s actually a sign that our body is allowing us to feel the pain of loss because we are finally ready to handle whatever it lets sneak past the bouncer at the door. I’m skeptical that it is bullshit but maybe…I need to see some studies.
I love you, Hugo loves you. My Peter.