Babe,
Sometimes I dont get to share everything I want to share in grief group because 1) i fucking hate zoom, i am so bad at timing when to interject and I never feel like I’m not disrupting someone, and 2) there are so many of us, so many of us that know this pain, multiple people have grief to share…and they are all masters of the art of conversing via zoom lol.
Thanksgiving is next week- Hugo and I decided holidays are canceled, this year, but writing this it just occurred to me that I could go volunteer somewhere on Thanksgiving Day and that would feel like you were with me. I’m going to look into that.
Okay, about the fox though…I’ve told multiple people this story, now, and if I see this fox one more time and it does this shit one more time I may actually start thinking you’re more sentient than I give dead Peter credit for.
So first time Hugo and I saw this fox, we were walking up Cathedral at 5 am. It was probably two months ago. It was dark out, we were walking up the road on the Maret school side. We were getting to the far entrance to the school when this grey fox comes into view under the lamp post directly across the street from us. So we stop, and the fox stops, and he stares at us for a while. And then Hugo made his opinions on this fox known, and the fox trots away down the road, passing us.
Second time we saw this fox, it was 10:30 pm, and Hugo and I were sitting under a lamp post behind the swiss embassy in that grassy area. We’re chillin, and Hugo is chewing on a pinecone when all of a sudden he goes still. I look around him to try to see what he’s looking at and…babe, you will never guess who it was- it was the fox! Or maybe it was you, idk. Or you sent the fox or whatever. But this fox is like 15 ft away from us, right in front of us in the grass, and he STOPS right in front of us and the three of us are just staring at each other, for so long that I had enough time to get my camera out and record this blurry fox image on my phone, right before Hugo realized what we were looking at and he again made his opinions known. So the fox startles the fox, and it trots away farther down the road, but still in the grass, and I thought oh man that was it. Bye fox. But no- this fox only goes a little ways before he loops back around and now he is like approaching us head-on. He’s not running at us or anything, and he doesn’t look like he’s rabid, but I started to worry he was rabid…and rabid foxes are the fastest foxes and he was too close for comfort. So Hugo and I sprint across the street away from him, just in case, but then we double back until we are right across the street from him, and this fox is right under the lamp post where we were just sitting, and now all three of us are just staring at each other, again! Like babe…wtf?!
And of course these fox encounters are just reminding me of not long after you left when the fox family took up residence under your parents’ shed in the backyard and it was mom and three kits which translated to you and Henry, Cameron, and Michael. And how that fox family stayed in their backyard all spring and they set out cameras and got to watch these foxes grow up and use their backyard as a personal playground throughout.
So, all that is to say, if I see fox you one more time, and fox you stares us down one more time, I may start to believe in something. Idk what, but I’ll be pretty sure of it, whatever it ends up being. So I am hoping to see fox you again but I also don’t want to start walking late at night or early in the AM on purpose either because that would be forcing the universe’s hand, I feel like. It would discount the validity of it in my mind…you know, bias and such.
Okay, last thing I wanted to share in grief group- I cry on the metro pretty regularly. And I care but I also don’t care enough to hide it. And then when I was giving platelets a couple times ago, I started crying but couldnt move at all so I just had tears streaming down my face, and the phlebotomists where so nice about it, they dried my tears while I was sitting there not being able to move, and then one of them stayed by my station and talked to me for the last 30 minutes of my donation.
Next time, I’ll have to remember to tell you about the stripper I connected with when I went out with Hannah and Harris.
Hugo has a neuro appointment on Tuesday- they wanted to do that before the biopsy. Cross your ghost fingers he isn’t going to die, please.
Love you.
Oh, I guess the last thing is that sometimes I feel bad about my feelings in grief group. Sometimes I feel like its not ok to reflect on why you did or didn’t do something through an angry lens, and that saying things that don’t just equate to “you were doing the best you could” sometimes isn’t acceptable. But how can I give grace to my anger if I’m focusing on the fact that you were probably just doing the best you could? That’s for every other feeling, but that’s not something that helps me feel anger and question everything. And I need to feel that anger. I need to feel everything. And sometimes i need to question everything. And thats ok, i think.
Ok, love you, babe.