It’s one of those nights, babe. Sometimes I close my eyes, ready to sleep, until I see you dead where you landed (even though I never saw you) or I’m watching you jump (even though I never watched that happen). It sure feels like I did when I close my eyes though. When I see you jump, it’s light and swift, you hoist yourself over that puny little fence, putting all your weight on one hand, and then off you go. Wakes me right up, better than coffee.

I signed up for a food pantry 5k for Thursday. Holidays are canceled but volunteering is not. Volunteering feels acceptable, and it makes you feel closer. Filling out the registration, it was the first time I had to put an emergency contact since you left, and well… I definitely don’t want to put you. You’d never pick up and I’d be SOL.

I wonder if you’d think these jokes were funny if you were still here.

I really miss you. I think my heart’s starting to realize youre not coming back because I’ve begun to feel lonely. I’ve felt alone but I haven’t felt lonely…but now I’m starting to. This is shock wearing off.

But how can it be wearing off when you only left us, yesterday? How can I no longer be in shock when I still actively love you, when I still refer to you as “my partner” as if you could walk into the room and join the conversation at any moment? When I refer to everything as “ours”? How could that be? How could you not be here with me?

I love you, Hugo loves you.