It’s been too long. I think about writing to you every day, but then more things happen, and it felt more and more overwhelming to summarize it, so I made voice notes for a bit which enabled the delay.
But here I am, back again.
I can’t recap everything tonight because I am trying to get on a better sleep schedule and I was supposed to go to be 15 minutes ago, but I will tell you that your parents came to town, last Tuesday. They brought your ashes, which are currently next to me being cradled by that teddy bear I’ve had since I was born.
We went to The Sovereign and laughed and cried for four hours, and by the time I got around to bringing up the distancing thing, I felt silly. Seeing them in person felt so different than the texting and calling had started to feel. It honestly makes me feel crazy. My emotional regulation is super lacking, this whole year.
Your anniversary is this Thursday. You died this Thursday. I can’t believe it’s been a year. There is a big part of me that still doesn’t want to accept that your gone. It’s the same part of me that refuses to watch our shows, because when I do it will be because I want to feel closer to you and that would mean you’re not coming back to watch them with me. I mean, I know you’re not coming back, but denial is a respite I like to entertain, sometimes. Healthy doses of denial (is there such a thing?)
Dalia and me and a couple others from District are going to see Dungeons and Dragons on Tuesday. If you had held out just one more year, you could have finally seen the day when the movie theyve been talking about making for years came out. Maybe you wouldn’t have liked it. We’ll never know.
I took Wednesday, Thursday, Friday off. Desiree offered to spend the day with me on Thursday and Vicky is coming for the weekend. People keep forgetting you died this Thursday. I can’t think about anything else. It has felt odd that Passover and Easter were before your death, this year. I mean, I know they will be after your death whether or not they happen before or after your anniversary, but it’s just an odd thing to think about, that last year I had to miss Passover Seder because you had left like 2 days prior. And that by 7 am the following Sunday, Easter morning, I was in NH at Keaton’s house, unable to sleep and drunk off a whole bottle of wine.
I reflect back on these holidays last year vs this year and it’s almost as if my brain trying to act like you haven’t died yet. As if we get a redo, this year, because these holidays went off-script.
I met a wonderful woman at the Seder who ended up being a suicide survivor and we talked and talked. I wasn’t even trying to make conversation with her but she sat down at our table (I could see her table number had been scribbled out and replaced with our Table #4) right next to me, and although she kept getting interrupted, she continued to ask me about my tattoo for you, and once I told her.
I’m falling asleep while I type and now its a half-hour past my bedtime. We can pick up where I left off next time.
My God do I love you.