Today was a wash, babe. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by this but it still knocks me on my ass every time I’m in the middle of something and I realize youre gone again…is this how actors cry on queue? They all have trauma and loss right under the surface, just waiting for the opportunity to declare itself, and they’ve made it work for them? They’ve made it work for them.
It’s been a minute since I have felt this angry, but it’s like powering my resilience. Everything and everyone in my life that sucks I’m just like, how the fuck dare they? Ya know? Losing you is enough (and really babe, how dare you? but that’s unfair to you. It’s really more like “how dare I?”, right? how dare I spend my life with you, day in and day out, and be so completely oblivious to the depths of your despair? How the fuck dare I?)- I don’t need any more adversity. Work, friends/not friends, family, Hugo’s unfortunate health circumstances, whatever…how dare they? And that gets me angry, and that’s motivating for me. It motivates me to rise above all of this heartache and succeed despite the pain. Not sure if that translates to actually succeeding, but I’m hyping myself up 24/7 babe, like “it’s all going to be ok, you can do this, it only feels hard because Peter killed himself, it’s not really hard, you can handle this”. You’re the hard thing. Nobody sees the erratic sleeping, the avoiding our bed and sleeping on the couch, the mess of an apartment, the bursting into tears, the punching the walls, the screaming into pillows, the overwhelm. No one sees any of that. No one sees it because I live in this apartment alone. No one sees it because you are not here with me anymore, and you’re the one who saw it. You’re the one that tended to it, even when I couldn’t tend to you. Couldn’t I, though? I feel out loud, I always have. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea but it never bothered you. You decidedly did NOT feel out loud. I thought we were just different in that way. You weren’t very emotive but “hey, thats ok Chelsea accept that not everyone is as LOUD as you are.” I liked that difference in us, we were so complimentary Whelp, guess what I’m never doing again, babe? I’m never accepting that again. I’m never accepting it as someone just being an introvert, just being quiet, them not feeling as much as I expect them to through my loud-ass lens. How stupid of me, really, to think that nothing ever bothered you. You know what they call not having emotions, babe? They call that being a SOCIOPATH. Which you were not. You had so many feelings, it turns out. I just couldn’t hear them.
I was just watching the Harry and Meagan mini series but the whole episode is about their wedding and that, babe, was a mistake. Emily in Paris, it is.
So, you would have laughed, today. I bought a mug at this coffee shop in Georgetown that only employs baristas with mental disabilities- its a really cool business model. The mug said “NOT BROKEN.” It’s a good reminder. So I drink coffee from this mug most days, and today I drank the coffee until there was like one sip left like usual and then when I got up I thought “oh ill put this in the sink”. So I pick it up and it gets caught on the phone charger and launches itself into the air. And then it breaks. The “NOT BROKEN” mug, babe! it broke! So I thought, at least whoever/whatever is running the show has a sense of humor. Catherine said you would be cracking up, and she’s right. I hope you got a kick out of it.
I love you. Hugo loves you. We miss you.