Hi babe <3

I went to Snallygaster with Sam and Lauren, yesterday. It was good weather like last year…in fact everything felt very similar to last year, except you weren’t there. We cheers’d to you, though. Desiree and Steve came later…everything came full circle. Except for you. You cut your circle short. We also didnt make it to the candles, this year, but maybe that’s for the best at $30 bucks a pop. Oh, I did get an “I feel like shit” t-shirt- it’s from a company about hangovers but I think it can apply to losing you to a bridge, too.

It was really nice to see S and L…I told them how much things have changed, the people that have left after you left. On one hand, it’s been a good lesson to learn that not all people are really going to be there for you, even when they are some of your closest friends. It’s a good lesson to learn that you can’t count on everyone like you think you can, and when people show you who they really are, you should believe them. It’s just disappointing, and I think I’m becoming cynical. When friends “take a break,” lie, or just outright leave after you’ve killed yourself it just reinforces my belief that you can’t trust anyone. I can’t trust anyone like I trusted you, like I trusted you to be vulnerable with me like I was with you- that you would communicate if you were struggling, or at least if you were thinking of hurting yourself. I’d just really like to know how many people who kill themselves go their entire lives without saying one goddamn thing except one time in vet school about having anxiety to an ex girlfriend, which I only got to find out about at your memorial, and then you walk out the door YEARS later and JUMP OFF A BRIDGE. Like fuck. What the actual fuck. But I know you werent in your right mind, and I can be angry even if you werent capable of sharing because you were mentally ill…I hate saying you were mentally ill. It makes me question my entire reality, the entire five and a half years I knew you, were I thought you were the most well-adjusted person I had ever met. It’s fucking hysterical that I believed that, now.

So I saw Andy at Snallygaster. Andy who ghosted me after ten years of friendship. It was very crowded and I saw him before he saw me, and i literally had no words, I stopped dead in my tracks. He saw me and squeaked out a soft “Hi” as he shuffled by with his friends, and I just stood there staring at him. And then he looked down and said hi to Hugo and didn’t look at me again…and I had to laugh. I’m convinced he was just looking for a way to end our friendship, and he saw an easy way out and took it. Tish agrees. How very incredibly disappointing.

I brought Hugo to Snally, too- he was one of two dogs there and he did GREAT. I put his vest on and velcro’d a few “Don’t Jump” stickers to it. There had to be over a thousand people there, and they all saw the stickers…only two people scanned the QR code, but that’s ok. I’m sure people got what it was about and that’s exactly why they didn’t want to scan- even when they came over to ask to pet Hugo (which literally everyone was looking at him- worked like a charm to spread awareness, at least when people see those stickers around town maybe theyll look into it more, then). I’m in less shock than I have been these past few months, which means I am starting to feel self-conscious drawing attention to myself when advocating for the barrier, but you and the barrier are more important than that. Also, life isn’t a fucking bowl of punch- suicide is a reality and until people start talking about it, no one will realize what a problem it is. Suicide is a reality and burying your head in the sand does no good. It’s my reality, your family’s reality. I don’t want it to be anyone else’s.

Our Aussie neighbors were there, too. It’s too bad you killed yourself before we could get to know them better. I think you and S would have really hit it off. They are both super down-to-earth, we could have played board games with them. That reminds me- a board game you sponsored through kickstarter was delivered to the apt a month or two ago. I have mixed feelings about this stuff showing up after youre gone. It’s a reminder that you’re not here, anymore, when I really don’t require reminding, but it does also make you feel closer.

I’m watching Hocus Pocus 2 as I type this, and It’s making me really miss doing the holidays with you. All the scary movies we watched and the fall activities we did. I’m not celebrating the holidays, this year. It’s going to be too hard. Halloween I thought would be a little different, but now that I’m saying “yes” to things, it’s getting harder. You know I love the holidays. There just aren’t enough reasons to celebrate in life. But I can’t do it- we have so many good holiday memories, and your absence is so glaring. Even when we were in Oregon and barely celebrated Thanksgiving because we were too busy with work.