Today’s the day, babe. Getting back on track, today. It’s too late (too hot) to jog with Hugo, plus he is still sleeping, but I’m doing the peloton, today. I’m eating mindfully, today. Dare I say it, I am cleaning the rest of the house, today. Just so we can move in a little over ten days, lol.
I went to visit Elliott earlier this week. There was a lot of hiking to do (not much else to do where he is) but I couldn’t do it. Hiking was our thing. We hiked. You know how I get with hiking- I’m not good at it. It may be the asthma but I think it’s hypotension. But you and I could do it. You never made me feel like I was slowing you down. Always so patient. I never felt embarrassed. Hiking feels too intimate to do with anyone else. It’s like that time I went swing dancing with Latika and it ended up being dancing with a bunch of strangers in a room full of mirrors. I got super self-conscious and told Latika I guess I could only learn swing if you and I did it, together. You were my safe place. Maybe I should be able to do these things with other people without feeling like I want to shrink into the ether but I am only human. You gave me courage.
I asked you what you missed most about Oregon, earlier this year, and you said all of the hiking we got to do, together. I wish we had been able to do more of it here in DC. Even if none of it could compare to the out-and-back cliffs or the Redwood trails. Your mom and that bear are one of my favorite memories from our time out there. It really is ironic how much I hated living in Oregon, but how often I think of it fondly, now. I mean, I didn’t hate it because of the otherworldly natural beauty, it was just the isolation that came with it. Being in a different time zone than our loved ones. We did make so many great memories there. It was when we got to spend the most time together. That condo we lived in…our little backyard with the long, narrow raised garden against the fence. We tried to plant seeds with no rhyme or reason attached and if I remember correctly, only one thing grew. What was it? See this is one of the things I’m worried about- I can’t remember what grew. If you were here, I could ask you. You would know. Was it your wheat?? Ugh. You were so excited about growing your own wheat, I hope that was it.
I’ll never forget when I found out I passed the NAVLE at work and I ran upstairs to tell you but you were in a room. I came in and it was a double appointment and I was just standing there as the tech for 20 minutes, waiting for you to finish. I’m surprised the owner couldn’t hear the audible buzz I must have been giving off. Finally, we walk out of the room, I tell you the good news, and right in the hallway at work you gave me a big kiss. We were both so excited, so happy. That was a “Dr. Babe” moment, for sure.
OK, you’re really going to wish you didn’t leave with what I’m about to say…I think we have too much stuff. You know how I am with minimalism- love the concept, not so great with the execution. It’s not that we have a lot of stuff that we don’t use, we use it all. But that doesn’t mean there is less stuff. I’m sick of looking at some of it. That spice rack I put up- what was I thinking? I don’t even cook. You cooked. You used it, but you would have been happy to have all the stupid spices in a drawer, instead. I just wanted to free up some room in the cupboards. Anyway, I’m taking it down today. This is reminding me that the week you died, I announced I was thinking of rearranging the gallery wall, to which you said something to the effect of, “That sounds about right, it’s been a month.” That one made us both smile.
When I was in VA I watched a bazillion fireflies lighting up the woods, one night. The fireflies made me feel like I was watching a symphony of light. It was magical. When I have those experiences, I get a pang of sadness that you are missing it. Something so special. That we can’t experience those things, together. These memories we can no longer make. I can make them with you in my heart, but nothing more. I long for you in those moments, especially.