Hi babe. I still miss you so much. I’m watching the recording of your DC memorial. It’s my first time watching it. I’m at the part where “Love Like You” is playing.

There’s something people keep saying that I couldnt get behind for a long time. That our relationship doesn’t have to end just because you’re dead. And up until today, I didn’t understand how people could believe that. A relationship has two people in it, and you removed yourself from ours. By dying. By killing yourself.

Now Kristen is speaking. I miss Kristen. I miss the three of us together.

So it didn’t make sense, this idea that our relationship could change and evolve, even though you are no longer physically here. How could that be? You aren’t participating, anymore, after all. It’s really at that point just a delusional relationship with myself, isn’t it?

But then, today, I was listening to All There Is w/ Anderson Cooper, and he was interviewing a woman who made a video about her father dying. The catch is, her father was still alive…but anyway, they were talking about this concept and she kind of reframed it in the way of like as the living person continues to grow and experience new things, they gain perspective that helps them understand their person in different ways. Like if I were to start really getting in D&D and become a DM or something. So I guess our relationship can change in the way that how I relate to who you were as a person can still change.

Anastasia just finished talking about you and she was talking about that awful, demanding client you had who tasted their cat’s medicine and decided it wasn’t chicken-y enough.

I still really, really wish you didn’t jump off a bridge.

There’s something about the way Anderson Cooper chokes up during his podcasts that makes him so incredibly relatable to me, like I really feel like he gets it. His brother jumped off a balcony and killed himself in front of their mother, who then later died, much later, when she was old. Like you should have been.

I went to visit Sarah and Dave, last weekend, and realized during that time that I have really put way to much of my sense of wellbeing into Hugo since you left. He is the last thing I have that we shared together, our little son, and the only consistency through all of this. So he has become a very unhealthy coping mechanism, I think, and if he died tomorrow (which he could, who the fuck knows, at this point) I would be screwed. Idk what to do about that, but at least ive acknowledged it? That being said, I’ve already told him he has to live forever, so it probably wont be an issue.